Change

Sometimes I feel like I'm still living an old life. It may sound crazy, or naive, but maybe someone can relate with me a little. When I turned 16 I felt like I knew what I needed to know to get through life, and wow, wasn't life going to be simple! I would date like a normal teenager, go to school and marry the greatest guy, then become a mother and dedicate my life to God and whatever my chosen passion would be (writing, teaching, nursing... whatever). I had plenty of time and choosing would be a piece of cake because I knew the Lord would tell me what to do.

Life was so simple.

And now, I'll admit, things have changed, and somehow life was not at all as simple as I imagined, not at all as simple as I planned. How lucky are those that can hold on to the simple minded, happy-go-lucky mentality of youth! I don't think I can be counted among them anymore, but a piece of me wanted to hold onto the memory of it. It's almost like I'd rather pretend I'm sixteen for the rest of my life and then everything will be as easy as it was then.

I obviously reflected this desire in my appearance.

I never cut my hair then, why should I now? I don't want to grow up! I don't want to look grown up! I don't want things to change! I never had enemies, or any pain worth talking about. I never worried. I never hurt people's feelings. I never had a history, and tears were only spent on sappy, happily-ever-after novels. I was responsible for only a handful of things, and God was my only judge. Serious was only a word spoken in jest. Calculus and Chemistry were my only hard tests. And if the weather, be it rain or snow or shine, ever imposed I'd simply let my hair down and I'd be warm. Safe and sound.

Ah, I could choose to never accept the sting of reality. Maybe that'd be the easiest road to take. Haha... that's what I've been doing for the last, oh, couple years I think!

Guh. The Lord gave me too much of a heart to let such a passionate desire go easily and too little a mind to realize it! But with the help and longsuffering patience of my friends and family, I saw change, and, for the first time... embraced it.

The proof...